First of all, the loss of Amara has thrown me for quite a loop. I definitely did not see her passing coming and quite frankly, I had anticipated her living until Suri was at least 6 or 7. I'm not sure why I had even thought about it but on her 10th birthday, I envisioned her having many more with us. Life is not the same without her and my heart aches when I admit to myself that she is never coming back. Suri is so concrete. She walks around and will say out of the blue, " Moo Moo sick" followed by "Moo Moo died" and finished off with "Moo Moo all gone" if it were only that simple. . . her innocence definitely grounds me and highlights how precious her pureness is.
The next topic that has been weighing heavily on my heart for quite sometime is Suri's daycare situation. I feel as though I have been pulled in so many different directions throughout the past 18 months while Suri has been at her current daycare. I am starting to realize how many decisions I make on a day to day basis that have short and long term effects on Suri. The number of choices I feel I face on her behalf is staggering, how ever will I know what is best? To keep this post somewhat to the point, I will not elaborate in great detail as to why I gave my 2 week notice yesterday to Suri's daycare. I have made the decision to un enroll her in the care facility that has been Suri's second home since she was 12 weeks old. I'm sure I might not understand for quite some time if it is the environment that causes Suri to behave the way I am told she behaves or if it is going to be journey of Suri's "social" personality that we will have to creatively handle throughout her schooling years. I have written before about the numerous times in which Suri has been bitten since moving to the toddler classroom (Im assured it is just "the age" and that Suri is just a "social" child) however close to 30 times in 1 year still seems a bit excessive to me. . . She has been sick over and over, her elbow dislocated, and now is beginning to bite herself as well as her classmates as well as slap and scratch. . . as I write all of this down, I begin to feel more assured that I have made the right decision in trying to find her a new second home away from home. I just feel so badly taking her from the only other care providers she has ever known and the only little friends she has ever had. Coming to this conclusion was driven by my cry to God for wisdom, a sign or a message. I can't tell you how many times I have asked God to send a blimp overhead that holds a banner with his clear answer emblazoned on it in bright bold letters. Unfortunately I have yet to see the blimp but the back to back phone calls over the past 2 weeks, informing me that either Suri had bitten someone or that someone had bitten her lead me to my breaking point. I can no longer go to work each day and be at peace knowing Suri is going to have a fun and safe day, free of conflict with no resolution. Each time I looked to my phone to see a voicemail from her school caused my heart to sink... even before listening to the message. I can no longer keep her where she is despite the convenience factor for myself. The time has come to make a change, and saying it out loud is heartbreaking. I have never felt as helpless as I do when I have to leave Suri at daycare while I leave to go to work. The thought of someone else "raising" my little girl saddens me. I wish so badly that I didn't have to leave her and that the bills would all pay themselves. This is just not our reality and it is my responsibility to make the best out of our situation. Even though the staff that cares for her are delightful people, the environment just is not working for Suri and the time has come to make a change.
Suri will begin her new daycare on Monday, August 6th. Luckily it is still within a mile from our home and when I took Suri with me this morning to turn in her registration packet, she seemed to like being there. Of course, the true effect will shine through once she has been there for a few months however it helped to mend my broken heart when Suri didn't want to leave this morning. I hope and pray this will be a positive move for both of us. Once again I wish I had a crystal ball that could reveal if my decisions were going to be positive but I don't. I can only trust that God will hold our hands as we begin our path on this uncertain journey.
Shifting from schools to therapy, Suri had her second session of Occupational Therapy with Amy this afternoon and she did wonderfully. Amy is working to help Suri with self regulation... a part of that big hairy monster I spoke about a few posts ago that is a component of Sensory Integration that Suri seems to struggle with.. I must admit, sensory integration therapy is by no means "clear cut" and we are still sorting out the many kinks that have presented themselves lately. One technique that Amy uses with Suri is therapeutic listening. Basically Suri wears a set of specialized headphones while listening to cd of individualized electronically altered sounds in the form of songs/ music. Therapeutic Listening incorporates whole body treatment in combination with music (which Suri loves). Therapeutic Listening coupled with sensory integrative treatment tends to speed the emergence of attention, organized behavior, self- regulation, fine motor control, motor planning, oral motor skills and social skills while reducing sleep disturbances and sensory sensitivities; many of the things Suri seems to have increasing struggles with. I wish I could post video on this blog that would reveal the difference in Suri's personality before and after her participation in therapeutic listening. . . the after effects are astounding. Suri seems so calm, organized and in control of her actions post listening than she normally is. Her concentration is impressive and her mood is happy and content. We are however experiencing disruptions in her sleep and we are still trying to determine why. Since we have begun the therapeutic listening, Suri awakens at night and is difficult to lull back to sleep. She is almost agitated and the lack of a good nights sleep is reflective in her performance the next day... again, I question if I am doing the right thing for her. I am assured that with time, Suri's ability to self regulate will even out and the effects post listening will last for longer and longer periods of time. I can't even begin to highlight how many times a day I end up taking Suri's little 21month old hand in mine and stroking the area in which she has either just whacked or pinched, educating her to the fact that her hitting and pinching is not an appropriate way to get what she wants. . . I try desperately to look for the humor in these situations or convince my self that this is only a phase because honestly, if I don't laugh, I think I will eventually go crazy!
When Suri is with Amy listening through her headphones, she is calm, organized, task oriented, and focused. She will sit sill for an impressive amount of time working diligently on a task that challenges her fine motor skills. The key word in that sentence was STILL. Suri doesn't sit still, she is constantly on the go, seeking input by challenging those around her. She is definitely one smart cookie and if we can channel her energy toward engaging in something positive (as opposed to slapping, biting, jumping, pinching...) life may turn boring (wink). All I can say is I hope and pray her teenage years are simple... ( as the pit in my stomach seems to get deeper and deeper with the thought of what's to come!).
Okay, time for photos... Suri was up and down last night with what seemed to be a touch of a stomach bug and therefore I spent the night cleaning up throw up and doing load after load of laundry... so this afternoon, we were both exhausted and preferred to lay low. Suri asked to watch Dora while eating her macaroni and cheese... in my bed... which called for another round of laundry... oh well, thankfully she was feeling better and was eating... and that mac and cheese and applesauce doesn't stain : )
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| Princess Suri : ) |
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| Suri and Amy |
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| Therapeutic Listening |
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