A tribute to my Mom

"One of the things we learn from studying the growth of trees is that during seasons when conditions are ideal, trees grow at a normal rate. However, during seasons when growing conditions are not ideal, trees slow down their growth and devote their energy to the basic elements necessary for survival...
What do you suppose pilots do when they encounter turbulence? A student pilot may think that increasing speed is a good strategy because it will get them through the turbulence faster. But that may be the wrong thing to do. Professional pilots understand that there is an optimum turbulence penetration speed that will minimize the negative effects of turbulence. And most of the time that would mean to reduce your speed. The same principle applies also to speed bumps on a road...
Therefore, it is good advice to slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials when experiencing adverse conditions."
- "Of Things That Matter Most, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I have been avoiding writing this post as to not face the reality of the fact that we are approaching the one year anniversary of my moms death. September 6th will be one year... This time last year our family chain was broken and at that time, I couldn't imagine getting through tomorrow let alone fast forwarding to one year later. One whole year, I still can not believe it. . .

So much has happened this past year. Learning to live without the presence of my Mom has been somewhat of an unimaginable challenge. A challenge that has made me stronger in a sense yet humbled by the lagging presence of the pain that comes with missing someone so deeply. I can only hope that if Mom were still here today, she would be proud of our family. Our lives have all taken turns that none of us would have seen coming. Some for the better, and some I have yet to determine how I feel about them. Yet we are all healthy and finding our own happiness throughout this journey called "life" and that is all that really matters at this point and time.

One thing I have come to accept throughout this past year is that I am not in control of tomorrow. No matter how much I feel the need to plan, no matter how important I feel some one thing might be, I am not in control. I have learned to relax a bit more than I used to. I have tried to do more with less. I have learned to slow way down. I am trying the very best that I can to be a role model for my daughter and view life through her innocent eyes. I miss my Mom every day. It is amazing to me at how any given moment, a flash of an urgent need to call her will race through my mind only then to slap me in the face at the realization that I will never have the chance to talk to her again. There is so much I want to show her, so much I want to tell her. And Suri, oh how my heart breaks that Mom missed meeting her first Granddaughter by one month and one day. It hurts, it hurts something deep.

I like to think about what I would do if God gave me the chance to spend one more day with my Mom. I would make sure she knew I loved her. I would tell her how much I have learned from her and all that I hope to be to my daughter. I would want to spend time laughing and reminiscing together. I would ask her advice as to how to raise Suri and ask her if she could do things over, what would she do differently. I would want to learn all that I could knowing that our day together would be our last. I wish her last moments here were different than they were.  I am however grateful that we were all together as a family to say our last goodbyes. The memory of her last day is still as clear as day in my mind and I am still not sure how I feel about that.

I have tried not to think about her last moments here with us in quite sometime. As I write this, I am forcing myself yet again to face the reality that life is different now. And although it is different, I must say life is good. I have been truly blessed this past year with many things. I am not sure where I would be without Suri. She has brought me so much joy and mended my heart in ways I can not put into words. She brings me peace and hope for a brighter tomorrow. She gives me strength to continue with my chin up through our life as we know it.

In reference to my opening, I look to our life experiences to make each of us who we are. We are all unique in the sense that no two paths are ever exactly the same. Just as trees have similar blossoms, their true insides set them apart with their lines of time. I would not change the experiences I have encountered over the years as I do believe they make me who I am today. The older the tree, the more character it has. I hope this next year continues to bring growth to our family. My faith remains that God has a plan for each of us and I do believe, that he will never give us more than we can handle. I have promised myself to let go and let God.

I sure do miss you Mom and I thank you for all that you were and for the guidance you gave me as my Mother. I promise to raise Suri to know who you were and to tell her how much you loved her. I pray God will be with all of us and bring us comfort as we celebrate your life this this coming weekend and throughout the days of next week.

I love you Mom and I miss you dearly.