My Letter to Suri

My Sweet Suri Rose,

There are no words that could possibly explain to you how much you mean to your Father and I, yet I feel compelled to write them anyway.

Do you know you changed the world forever?

From the day I found out I was pregnant, I knew you were special. I have lived my life with the uncertainty that I would ever be able to conceive a child of my own. Having only one ovary with one fallopian tube that over the years has required multiple surgeries due to recurrent ovarian cysts. A tipped uterus with endometriosis has lead medical science to inform me that my chances of conception were slim if even at all. I have been on birth control pills since I was 16 years old, to assist in controlling the ovarian cysts that continued to damage my single, tiny ovary.

Despite all of these odds, God chose you to be my daughter.

On March 1, 2010 (your Grandpa's birthday), I had my first ultrasound. Many moms are overjoyed after their first glimpse of the tiny life living inside of them. Mine unfortunately, was less than reassuring. I was unable to see a beating heart as most mothers do on their first ultrasound. My ultrasound did however rule out a tubal pregnancy, as we could see a yolk sac within my uterus. For that I was relieved. Since I was uncertain as to when I could have conceived (due to being on the pill)  we were uncertain of what your gestational age should be. The doctor informed me that there was a possibility I could be on the hind end of a miscarriage and only preforming an HCG test could confirm or deny a viable pregnancy. With a heavy heart of uncertainty, I had my blood drawn. When my test results came back, the doctor was still uncertain as my results were not typical. My HCG levels were triple what were considered to be in the "normal" range and I was informed of the possibility of having a baby with Down Syndrome, a molar pregnancy, a blighted ovum and a pregnancy of multiples. All of these possibilities brought upon me a kaleidoscope of emotions as the chance of a healthy baby was never mentioned. I was told I needed to wait two weeks and return for an ultrasound which should give us a clear insight as to what was happening with the yolk sac that we saw on the first ultrasound. Waiting those two weeks felt like the longest two weeks of my life. My life was forever changed on March 17th, 2010 ( St. Patricks Day) as the second untrasound revealed I was 7 weeks along with what appeared to be a healthy pregnancy. This was the day I found out I was going to be your mom and I can not put into words how that news made me feel.  Your little heart was beating at 154 beats per minute ( I still to this day remember the number that confirmed your existence). Your due date was set for November 1, 2010. I loved you long before I knew what you would be to me.

I truly believe God has something much bigger planned for your life than I can ever imagine. 

The next 7 months brought a roller coaster of events to our family. When you were 15 weeks ( May 10, 2010- the day of your Grandma Diane's birthday), we found out that you were a little girl. Your Daddy and I revealed the news of your existence to my family the night of your Grandma Diane's 55th birthday. Everyone was so overjoyed with the news as we had always believed I would never have a biological child.

On my 18 week ultrasound, we discovered that you were healthy however I had a full Placenta Previa and this would mean you would more than likely need to be delivered via cesarean section. I was then advised of precautions to take throughout the remainder of my pregnancy in order to keep you safe and hopefully carry you to at least 37 weeks. My cesarean section was scheduled for Sunday October 10, 2010.

On July 11th we received the devastating news that your Grandmother Diane's cancer had returned. No one could prepare us for the day she returned to the Lord just 2 months shy of her diagnosis. On the evening of September 6th, 2010 your Grandma, my hero, was called home to our heavenly Father. In the hours before she passed, she looked at me and said she was so sorry she was not going to get to live to see you. My heart aches that she was never able to hold you.  I know in my heart she is your guardian angel and will forever protect and guide us both. I know she loved you Suri and she was so excited for our future together. Until the day we are all joined together again, I promise to tell you stories of your Grandma Diane, stories that will enable you to love her as the best Grandma in the whole world.

Did you know, that while you were in my tummy, you attended your Aunt Ashley and Uncle Don's wedding, you went to rescue Rhodesian Ridgebacks, you went to the cabin, to church, to the beach, to your Grandma Diane's funeral, to a Child Life conference, to Grandpa's house, to Daddy's warehouse. . .  and to so many more places. With every day that passed, I loved you more and more.

Throughout the duration of my pregnancy, I was worried that something might happen to you. My job, working in the neonatal intensive care unit planted unnecessary seeds of other people's unfortunate reality into my mind. I worried everyday for your health and safety.

I will without a doubt, never forget the day you were born. You decided not to wait until October 10th, but instead wanted to make your debut at 36. 1 weeks on October 5th, 2010. Did you know, your Grandma Diane's birthday is 5-10-55. Yours is now 10-5-10,  a special birthday indeed. October 5th was one of the best days of my life. Seeing you for the first time took all my worries away. I felt the presence of the Lord upon all of us and knew we were all going to be okay. He carried us all that day.

After you were born, the doctor came to me with some news. Your birth via cesarean section revealed that I had only a partial uterus, otherwise known as a unicornuate uterus. This is a congenital uterine abnormality that occurs in 2 to 4 % of the population. Having a unicornuate uterus brings a significant chance of pregnancy loss and preterm labor as well as ectopic pregnancy. Chances of a term birth are only 45%.  This could explain why you decided to come when you did, you had run out of space to grow! Once again a confirmation of the miracle you are. God is Good and I have been truly blessed.

I fell completely head over heals in love with you the moment I met you. That, is what you are capable of Suri.

There are so many things I love about you and with each day that passes, I find more and more to love about you. I love your hair, your chin, your perfect little ears and tiny little toes. I love your hands and your long delicate fingers. I love your blue eyes that are like a window into your soul. I love the way your hair smells just after your bath, I love your yawns and your sleepy little cry. I love you to the moon and back Suri Rose and I am so blessed to be your Mom. You are the greatest miracle I have ever been a part of and I am so incredibly thankful to have been chosen to be your mommy.

I want you to know that you changed me Suri. You have made me want to be a better person. You have made me want to slow down and enjoy the little things. You have made me believe wholeheartedly in miracles.

I am eagerly looking forward to the days and years that are ahead of us. I am excited to watch you grow and watch you continue to touch the lives of many.

Remember, you have changed the world.

I love you my sweet Suri Rose,

Mommy